Monte Cristo
Saturday, 30 December 2006
this shall be my final post on motime. for the past several years, this blog has been of great comfort to me. i appreciate the wonderful bloggers who i have met here, and whose postings i still read even this day. i shall continue my blogging life, at http://montecristo2.blogspot.com/
i use technorati now, which will allow me to still read all of your wonderful posts, so do not think i won't be watching! cheers to all, and drop by my new blog sometime.
-jack (dantes)
Monday, 25 December 2006
consider this my annual christmas entry
it would seem that as the years progress, my unrest decreases
Tuesday, 05 December 2006
perhaps the source of my strength lies elsewhere
and for all this time i supposed it was from an inner sprig
like insects in the night, we venture constantly toward the light
though our peril will surely be met at the end of this suicidal road
Wednesday, 21 June 2006
it has been two years since my first post here
this blog has been unbelievable good to me
i have journeyed through fire and rain while here
at several points i have almost fallen off the path
but, alas, i have remained; here, it has been good for me
now i must return the favor to this kind place
i must strive to preserve what is here
a lengthy process to be sure, but nevertheless i will try
Tuesday, 16 May 2006
you are there, but untouchable
you reach for me, but you turn away from my hand
i offer a love so deep, but perhaps that is not good enough
i understand, i cope; i put all this in the back of my mind
but that does not diminish the remaining fact
my love is unwavering; undeniable, and unrelenting
i give with no expectations; if it is the end, then so be it
but i will have loved, once. once i did
Friday, 21 April 2006
i have come full circle, or close to it
i have again found you, oh lost love
i must end it, though, as i know tears ensue
dear heart, thou must break again
Tuesday, 21 March 2006
and my twenty-third year has come and gone
what have i accomplished, you say
to which i respond that there is very little
yet i am alive, i live, and my health is more than fair
this shall be the year of fixing my shambles life
Tuesday, 07 February 2006
here's to keeping with tradition. i guess.
Monday, 23 January 2006
tears. tears. tears.
no end in sight.
just a simple notion
it isn't worth it in the end
Sunday, 22 January 2006
i looked into the burning candle
deep into the flame and the dripping wax
i saw you there, and a single tear fell from your face
the tear landed and shook the ground
i then saw myself but no one else could see me
i was only a spirit passing by, long enough to see your tear
i know not if there was contentment
but i was in my element, free to fly, free to be
Friday, 20 January 2006
i wish i could say...
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
Tuesday, 10 January 2006
i fell into your life like rain upon a cobblestone path
my joy was that which threatens to become dangerous
for that i tried to quit you, i turned the other way
then suddenly there we were, and we were there
in a few short days i experienced honest elation
then ultimately i felt the greatest pain of my life
life has come crashing down upon me
and now i am slowly suffocating to death in the rubble
it was such a wonderful present
and now it has been taken back, returned
i knew this was possible, just not so soon
time cut short this journey, and death is apparent
down down, he tumbles, all the way to the ground
he cannot feel anything, for when he does
he only feels the pain of stinging death
ruining him, yet never generous enough to kill him
Saturday, 07 January 2006
he has been rescued.
Wednesday, 04 January 2006
i am truly uninvited. i am unwelcome. at the party.
i try to fit in. i try to be life. to be energy.
but try as i may, i end up being only minutia.
why, i cannot say. but i am resigned to the truth.
Monday, 02 January 2006
i dreamed i told you the other day something that has been waiting... i awoke to that great sense of anxiety which always follows a night of bravery... it felt so real, as if i had lived the experience in every way, in the flesh. still it is hard for me to accept its falseness. i still feel it. it takes hold of me and grips me tightly. i do not feel trapped, though; rather well cared for. but everything around me is screaming at me telling me that i will burn. i will suffer. i will fall. i believe the warnings, yet my psyche determines what it will. i am unable to program my mind. i live in the dark, in that other reality about which no one dares talk. and so i live on, not living much, but living nonetheless. and to top it off, i still must deal with people's "problems."
there is so much to see here
yet all i can think of is you
your face rules my dreams, it presides
there are so many thoughts, so many wonders
i am still stuck though, in this hellish place
waiting for you, wanting you in every way
my dreams torment me with such a harangue
of pleasure pain and ultimately confusion
i tell myself that the future will get better
there must be hope at some point in life
i only learn that i am to be disappointed again
my hopes fears and tears are scattered
the loss of life cannot merely be enough
for i fear a great pain can reach even beyond the grave
i wait and wait only to wait some more, for something
and my candle still remains dimly lit waiting for you
Sunday, 01 January 2006
you are inconsiderate. others matter none to you.
though i wish i could, i shall not forget you, even now.
curse you.
Saturday, 24 December 2005
blessed be he that hath crossed the river tho' it not be always evident who he is he still has thus crossed over, traversed that mighty river with more than dignity what future lies before him in the future? one cannot easily say for sweet clouds deter nonetheless he shall continue, he shall progress and in such a light that will cast no shadow with a smile on his face and a stiff upper lip he will take life in strides, in swift steps so as not to derail the moving train; then he awakes in a hospital bed, he cannot move
Saturday, 17 December 2005
people, including myself, do not think before they speak
too often words are spent as if they cost nothing originally
words are in fact precious, and should be used carefully
i know too well the damaging effect of words
whether i have been the attacker or have been myself afflicted
i know the carnage the tongue wreaks upon human beings
as this person that no earthly body truly knows
i can say words have tarnished me, eroded my soul
silently i have let the lexis reach deep into my heart
ripping to shreds all decency and humanity
i watch quietly as the hostilities occur
patiently, i let my spirits falter, die before my eyes
then i watch any hope i had, slip away into the dark
painfully seeking out new shelter, only to find none
my lifeblood thickens, it does not reach all my limbs
from there i find peace in letting myself go, the light cometh
but i still wonder what dreams might have come
you do not know
you do not know me
you cannot possibly know
do not think that for one moment you know
you are pompous to think so
what passes through your eyes as simple
treads heavily on my soul, indefinitely
and you cannot possibly know
i will never forsake the bonds of true friendship
i do not care what others will say, gossip
for i know who has been there, who will be there
and who will not
as these frustrations mount, i can only think of one place
high up in the mountains i wish i could be, far from this
i long to be with company, yet i long to be alone
those who smirk at my ire are ruthless
heartless beings that matter none to me, eternity
their cruelty catches me not, i fly onward
brash you may call me, but then you have not called
so stuff your nonsensicalness and be through with me
for i was long before finished with you
i digress, i come to the end of this rant
it sounds angry i know, but it is laced with certain truth
i will go on, with or without, i will go, though i might fall
i will indeed fly before the end, i tell you, i will fly
Friday, 16 December 2005
the countenances of the saints brood quietly over me
i know not who is there, save some peaceful specter
i look for reason for purpose but there can be none
in this realm of the mysterious, i know only a vanilla world
so these wraiths around me are watching, waiting
but for what? my curiosity kills neither i nor them
my eyes are tired; i cannot close them for they are dry
with the ceaseless petitions of the visual universe
surely no vessel can pass through here
for the tears that once flowed here have faded
tis such a lot of the worst, a deep sadness of heart
for through emotion flowed life; heart and soul
Sunday, 04 December 2005
christmas greetings.
sans gay happy meetings.
go tell it on the mountain.
in the hills and everywhere.
he is here, the christ is here.
we see, we know, we love!
he who hath come with the sword.
he came withou it?
we loved him.
he was real.
we are busy now, though.
i went, i died, i hurt.
they cared at first but now they ignore
lest their hearts be troubled with another's
we do not care.
we love what is evil and hate the good.
only because we are so damn guilty.
chaos. pity. discomfort. dissatisfaction.
unruliness. discontentment. misguided. miseducated.
medicated. mutilated. impoverished. clamored. bashed. brash.
harsh. sick. dead. dying. seeking. loving. shoving. slashing.
trashing. smashing. singing. ringing. being. telling. doing.
knowing. crying. killing. spilling. feeling. seeing. believing. reasoning.
i hear a conversation lacking truth. i see an ignoramus.
i repeat well worn phrases filled with truth, i am ignored.
there is no respite to the insanity of humanity
and i can only fold my hands and say 'namaste.
i endure.
each year another festive season passes
and i enter into the same emotional turmoil.
i get that emo kid syndrome and logic passes me by.
i try not to fall into the dark side, but i fail.
there is nothing complex about my emotional sickness
but rather my psychosis is quite simple; yet incurable.
i do not rule out the power of providence
but as i have said before my fate, destiny, is my chains.
i shall know these things better than friends, family
for when the time comes that i shall pass to eternity
i will know best these damned things which bind me.
peace comes and goes with the flow of time
and i like time will pass away.
time, however, does not fly. ever.
Sunday, 27 November 2005
to where hast thou gone
o ye, who formerly stood beside me
Thursday, 10 November 2005
expectations in those closest to you set with the sun
as time goes by, no one remembers save for yourself
everyone forgets before your very eyes
they change their mind, they split away, they ignore
you scream and yell to bring them back
yet they keep on moving further and further away
you love and lose and love again
only to lose the final battle, a final blow to the head
alliances made, allies lost; no one lives forever
jonathan waited only to die, now david is alone
what is there left after all is said and gone
but a white flag, tattered and small, waiving
pain left long before, as the numbing set in
for to hurt was to feel, and feeling was the first to go
there are no more mountains to climb
there are no more rivers to cross
i remain ten years of age, no matter what i try
i see things the way i did then, loyalty is still first
i watch as those who once stood beside me divert
i know nothing will remain forever
but where did my david go, for our time was cut short
i thought i still had so much to learn, to glean
my humanness only complicates matters more
for i see things in a childish manner, a lens of loyalty
i once ventured down a stream,
but i like a salmon made the rigorous journey home
i was gone for a little while, but was it really that long
from my child like perspective it was a fleeting moment
bonds are broken faster than they are made
sarcasm and cynicism are more common than love
a sick sense of humor has perverted the air
and i am suffocating on the ignorance of others
i unlike the rest fail to despair, i decide to be happy
i am told, i do not know the difficulties of life
but i assure you i have earned my grey hairs
oh no, i am not invincible, i shall perish some day
i however have chosen to remain on the path of bonds
whether those who were originally contracted remain
for i cannot forsake such ties, what i thought to be real
but i cannot condemn either, as i am also human
my reality is made evermore clear to me daily
it seems as though providence is giving me a glimpse
people have been such a motivating force in decisions
and i suppose that they shall continue to be
beauty has been another factor i will admit
and i fear i have not chosen it enough times
my earth craving soul has spoken out, though
and i would do well to pay attention to that calling
the matrix is more real than ever before
apparitions of people are moved in and out of my view
computerized personalities come in and out of my life
for when the time counts, the cold air is my companion
of course there is providence who remains
but i sense a sadness in the presence
for a great commandment is spat upon daily
by a mass of spirits entrusted to live out a human life
finally, peace is a spiritual matter of integrity
that is to say it is not some physical presence of an idea
the word has been hijacked, corrupted beyond measure
it is a travesty, the selfishness that people now embrace
how dare anyone criticize anyone but themselves
for the lack of what they think of as peace on earth
i wonder how providence might look upon their lives
both past and present and future for that matter
with all of this said, i am still surrounded by people
wonderful people who love, but the number shrinks
to coin a phrase, i am a big fish in a small pond
and i will venture out from this place someday
relationships seem to come and go with the wind
but the bonds of covenant are strong
i now go back into the world, to show love
with providence as my guide, my covenant
Saturday, 15 October 2005
whereas providence has led me to this point
i have still been allowed to pursue life freely
tho i choose not that which is new, surprising,
i still choose freely and without reserve
perhaps i should have more reserve in decisions
but i suppose that my ponerance here already exemplifies
i cannot know which path will lead to utopia
i can rather trust that utopia is not found without providence
Thursday, 13 October 2005
they say love is a many splendid thing
i beg to differ
i have known love to be an interesting thing
and that is by no means a compliment
not that i doubt love or think it to be bad
but i do have a more reverent approach to the matter
it must be handled delicately
as a child, or a fragile person
Wednesday, 28 September 2005
there is so much hurt today
why is the evil one allowed to wreak havoc
why can he not be defeated now
he seeks only to destroy and to hurt
he has deceived millions and will continue
please stop him, please stop him
